The alchemy of our miscarriages …. continued.

IMG_6244I think I left off here….

You cry as all the voids and pain begin to make their permanent home inside you.
….and then you step forward into your life with an invincible heart. A heart that is willing to beat simply because it is alive, simply because it was given the chance.

This time last year I was conceiving the child I lost. So much has taken place within me since then.

I am….
More respectful and nurturing towards this sweet body that carries me around
More humbled that I have this life to live, to try, to experience
More alive
More loving
More honest with who I am and on occasion slightly more bold
More protective of my time
More trusting of the Great God/Power/Mystery that holds all of us
More grounded
More free
More amazed

I sit here with tears in my eyes. I am so very humbled by the little spirit that came down to be with me for that short time a year ago. (I imagine traveling from spirit to body isn’t an easy trip) So very thankful for her wisdom and willingness to wake me from a slumber I didn’t know I was in.

I spent much of this last year “trying” and by “trying” I don’t mean doing the deed on the optimal days. I mean by taking the miscarriage as a sign that my body needed more time, more attention, more care to do what it was intended to do. Gave myself time to eat, rest, read, listen. Gave myself time to grieve my brother in a way that I wasn’t able to do with an under 3 yr old. Gave my daughter time to know a mom that wasn’t overwhelmed with grief and exhaustion. Gave my husband and I time to reconnect. Gave myself time to simplify my life so that my time is spent on my priorities. Gave myself a chance to remember who I was before life became really hard.

Being a female in this human form, I don’t know of any other desire that reaches so deep and takes hold of me so strongly as the desire for a child. I want a face to look at, a body to hold, and being to know. I crave the feeling of life inside me. With my daughter, I was so scared to become a mom that fear hid this longing. Ohh… but once she got here…she has me totally hooked on this motherhood thing. It is so fascinating and beautiful and deep.

A bit ago, “doing the deed” form of “trying” began and there has been no sign of a little being. And then every time I would feel that longing, it began to be followed with self-doubt, hopelessness, and self-judgment. “I can’t do it”, “no one wants me”, “my body isn’t capable” and other creative forms of those statements …… ugh

My resolution for this year was to have relationship with my body. One of the things that I have committed to is a daily yoga practice. (so thankful for that makes it an option for me) Every day now I roll out my mat and sit with the body of mine that “isn’t doing what I want it to do.” In this space I am creating, I feel all the fatigue, all the aches and usually my mind takes this opportunity to vomit its judgements, rational and irrational fears, critiques etc. and a lot of times my “yoga” feels like torture…until the end.

By the end, somehow I am able to be proud of my effort, proud of everything my body was willing to go without in order to get my sweet girl off to a good start, and feel one step closer to carrying life again.

One day, I was doing a practice focused on fertility and the teacher said “if you are asking for the permission to carry life….

I think growing up in a family of 9 children and in a world where there are tons of babies being born every day, compiled with frustration had turned my desire for having a child into an expectation, something I deserved, something I had control over. But her words reminded me that I am asking for the most sacred honor in this life, to bring another being here, to continue life through my own body.

And so now when the longing hits me and the tears surface behind my eyes. I pause. Tune out the attack on myself. And acknowledge the magnitude of what I am asking to be entrusted with. Ask for guidance in making my body more ready. Feel gratitude for this deep longing for life. And then I tell that stubborn little one to get down here.

I hold out my hands after my yoga practice in a gesture of receiving. And one morning, it occurred to me that what I receive from life may look nothing like what is in my mind. I might not ever have another baby.

But if there is one gift that my little spirit baby gave me, it is the faith that magic fills where voids are left, if your hands are open. I believe that all of my longing for life to come through me will not be wasted. I will create life again. I hope it has a darling face and calls me mama. But if not, I now know….

…. I have an invincible heart. And it is willing to beat simply because it is alive, simply because it was given the chance.

Love, hope and comfort to every woman that longs for a little one.

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