to love better…

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There have been so many days over the past few years where I would go to bed defeated by the way I had acted towards my family. Within my heart was so much love for them, but exhaustion, stress, grief, anxiety, depression seemed to steal my ability to express it in the way I wanted to, in the way they deserved.

And then one night I told my husband as we were falling asleep. “I will love you better tomorrow.” And I felt better. At least he knew that A) I loved him, B) I was trying even if it didn’t seem like it. I had also reminded myself of what was truly in my heart, the desire to love and love well.

Valentine’s Day reveals our relationship to love. Do we find ourselves deserving of love? Or have we shut it out consciously or unconsciously? Are we brave enough to love? Are we vulnerable enough to be loved? Can we love ourselves? Can we feel love despite the imperfection in life, in others, in ourselves? What is in the way of our ability to love well?

Whatever relationship we have with love…love is necessary.

I wonder what would happen…if when all is still and quiet and the night has come to provide closure to our day, what would happen if we quietly whispered each night to our partners, our children, ourselves, the simple statement ….

“i will love you better tomorrow”

Whatever did or didn’t happen that day…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

Whether it is their fault, your fault, or has yet to be agreed upon…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If it was the most beautiful day…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If it was a hard, hard day…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If you were the best parent, partner, sibling, friend, human …
“i will love you better tomorrow”

Or if you acted in a way that didn’t match the love in your heart…
“i will love you better tomorrow.”

If you are so very far from where you want to be…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If you are right where you have always wanted to be…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If you are somewhere in between…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If it is Valentine’s Day…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

If its not Valentine’s Day…
“i will love you better tomorrow”

The image of those words being whispered as the last words spoken in every quiet, dark house at the end of each day…..just think it could be Valentine’s Day every day.

May our Valentines be a day each year where we recommit to loving them, more fiercely, more openly, with less conditions. And let us not forget to do the same with ourselves.

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The alchemy of our miscarriages …. continued.

IMG_6244I think I left off here….

You cry as all the voids and pain begin to make their permanent home inside you.
….and then you step forward into your life with an invincible heart. A heart that is willing to beat simply because it is alive, simply because it was given the chance.

This time last year I was conceiving the child I lost. So much has taken place within me since then.

I am….
More respectful and nurturing towards this sweet body that carries me around
More humbled that I have this life to live, to try, to experience
More alive
More loving
More honest with who I am and on occasion slightly more bold
More protective of my time
More trusting of the Great God/Power/Mystery that holds all of us
More grounded
More free
More amazed

I sit here with tears in my eyes. I am so very humbled by the little spirit that came down to be with me for that short time a year ago. (I imagine traveling from spirit to body isn’t an easy trip) So very thankful for her wisdom and willingness to wake me from a slumber I didn’t know I was in.

I spent much of this last year “trying” and by “trying” I don’t mean doing the deed on the optimal days. I mean by taking the miscarriage as a sign that my body needed more time, more attention, more care to do what it was intended to do. Gave myself time to eat, rest, read, listen. Gave myself time to grieve my brother in a way that I wasn’t able to do with an under 3 yr old. Gave my daughter time to know a mom that wasn’t overwhelmed with grief and exhaustion. Gave my husband and I time to reconnect. Gave myself time to simplify my life so that my time is spent on my priorities. Gave myself a chance to remember who I was before life became really hard.

Being a female in this human form, I don’t know of any other desire that reaches so deep and takes hold of me so strongly as the desire for a child. I want a face to look at, a body to hold, and being to know. I crave the feeling of life inside me. With my daughter, I was so scared to become a mom that fear hid this longing. Ohh… but once she got here…she has me totally hooked on this motherhood thing. It is so fascinating and beautiful and deep.

A bit ago, “doing the deed” form of “trying” began and there has been no sign of a little being. And then every time I would feel that longing, it began to be followed with self-doubt, hopelessness, and self-judgment. “I can’t do it”, “no one wants me”, “my body isn’t capable” and other creative forms of those statements …… ugh

My resolution for this year was to have relationship with my body. One of the things that I have committed to is a daily yoga practice. (so thankful for yogaglo.com that makes it an option for me) Every day now I roll out my mat and sit with the body of mine that “isn’t doing what I want it to do.” In this space I am creating, I feel all the fatigue, all the aches and usually my mind takes this opportunity to vomit its judgements, rational and irrational fears, critiques etc. and a lot of times my “yoga” feels like torture…until the end.

By the end, somehow I am able to be proud of my effort, proud of everything my body was willing to go without in order to get my sweet girl off to a good start, and feel one step closer to carrying life again.

One day, I was doing a practice focused on fertility and the teacher said “if you are asking for the permission to carry life….

I think growing up in a family of 9 children and in a world where there are tons of babies being born every day, compiled with frustration had turned my desire for having a child into an expectation, something I deserved, something I had control over. But her words reminded me that I am asking for the most sacred honor in this life, to bring another being here, to continue life through my own body.

And so now when the longing hits me and the tears surface behind my eyes. I pause. Tune out the attack on myself. And acknowledge the magnitude of what I am asking to be entrusted with. Ask for guidance in making my body more ready. Feel gratitude for this deep longing for life. And then I tell that stubborn little one to get down here.

I hold out my hands after my yoga practice in a gesture of receiving. And one morning, it occurred to me that what I receive from life may look nothing like what is in my mind. I might not ever have another baby.

But if there is one gift that my little spirit baby gave me, it is the faith that magic fills where voids are left, if your hands are open. I believe that all of my longing for life to come through me will not be wasted. I will create life again. I hope it has a darling face and calls me mama. But if not, I now know….

…. I have an invincible heart. And it is willing to beat simply because it is alive, simply because it was given the chance.

Love, hope and comfort to every woman that longs for a little one.